The last year has been horrible, cool, fulfilling, sad, heinous, fun, spiritual, egregious, hard, momentous and fantastic. I have been languousing in jail for 7 1/2 months, I have laid on a cement floor many nights, I have poured my soul out to God, I have discovered who really loves me and who was just pretending, I have had such poor, small meals that I lost 50 pounds in 7 months (just you try that and see how it works)and I have found the love and support I needed.
I miss my children and grandchildren soooooo much. But they are continuing to try to hurt me by the "not ready to see you or talk to you" message. Emotionally controlling behavior is implemented through verbal abuse, body language, and deprivation (withholding). These behaviors are the way the abuser treats other people.
Abuse is always about CONTROL. Whether it is verbal abuse, emotional abuse, or physical abuse, IT IS ABOUT CONTROLLING, subtly or openly. Some people try to exercise control, dominion, or conpulsion on others. That is wrong and will destroy a otherwise peaceful and happy soul.
There have been some wonderful highlights of my life in this last year. I have met some friends that will be with me forever. I have married a wonderful woman, whom I love very much. I have two fantastic step-children that call me "Pops" and love me and accept me for who I am and I love them and accept them right back in everyway. This is a great life.
I just don't know why my own children...my own flesh and blood, continue to hurt me and crush me with their anger and hate. Why? I know I have made some GInormous mistakes and have and am paying for them. I have asked...yes...even begged for forgiveness. I feel at complete peace with God and try to serve Him everyday. He is my Redeemer and Lord. He is my Life and my Light. I feel HIs Spirit with me.
Why do they try...even make a huge effort, to hurt me day after day. I miss them so much and if they have an ounce of love and compassion in them they miss me too. I have shown them love and shown my love for their entire lives. I believe as Shakespeare said, "They do not love who do not show their love." Other great people have said it too. So I ask, "How are they showing their love?" Calling me and checking on their old dad and grandpa? Nope! They want nothing to do with me. I really, really don't understand it.
I love Sherry. She is so concerned and forgiving and supportive, smart, fun, beautiful and alive. She love me for who I am and loves my family too. What an unbelievable wife.
I love J.D. He is a big-hearted 14 year old and he loves to wrestle and tease. Very cool and fun. When I had to leave, he took the weight of the family and, seemingly, of the world on his broad shoulders. He carried this burden like a man and he remains an experienced man who has already been through the trial by fire. He is a little scorched, but his character is unblemished! What a great young man.
I love Jackie. She is so sweet and talented and fun and funny. Her capacity to love is so huge.
I am so happy, except I miss Summer, James, Loegan, Malia; Hyrum, Mary, Caysie, Conner John; Teanne, Billy, Will, Adalynn, Tessa, Sweet Baby; Heber, Chayo, Olivia, Nicolas Clay in my life. I need time to figure out why they continue to stay away and try to punish and hurt me. But I do want them back into my life.
I am so happy right now. What a great life I have, that is: I have loved ones, family, and new loved ones and new family that I love and that support me and love me too.
I am and remain a man who tries to serve and do right everyday.
Rod
